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A tantrum is what some of us learn to
live with as part of raising children, as part of our daily routine. A
tantrum is not what we rush to tell our friends about. Most of us want to
forget it ever happens, and often we think it only happens to our children.
A tantrum is a frightening entity that when not handled delicately can grow
to be a monster.
Some of us may see a tantrum as a form of disobedience or a child out of
control, and thus fail to understand the reasons behind its existence. And
when we fail to handle the tantrum appropriately, we can end up falling into
its vicious mouth and brutal claws.
Here are some of the fundamental steps to understanding a tantrum:
1. A tantrum is a form of discovering and establishing independence.
2. A tantrum reflects the child's feelings, not the child's behavior.
3. A tantrum is not the parent's fault.
4. A tantrum belongs to the child: the child begins the tantrum on their
own, and therefore needs to finish it on their own.
5. A tantrum that is handled right can become a tame little puppy.
Let's explain the points listed above:
1. Independence is a vital step in a child's growth and emotional
development, and therefore should be allowed to have "life." Since the
growing child is becoming more aware of his or her environment, of the
options and of the relationships with their caretakers, he or she is being
exposed to the ways they can manipulate their surroundings to benefit
themselves. Children are extremely self-centered beings (that's not a wrong
thing), and they see their environment as there to serve only them. Our job
as responsible caretakers is to guide and teach them the appropriate, and
the positive ways, to influence it.
2. "You made me angry!" Cries (or screams) a child during a tantrum. "You
don't give me what I want!" The child seems to be yelling, or actually is.
What the child is communicating are feelings of anger, frustration, and
disappointment - all feelings that need to be acknowledged and validated.
Validating a child's feelings is one of the most important stepping stones
on the road to a strong and reliable relationship. Think of how much you
want your spouse; your parent; your best friend to validate your feelings
and how strong it makes you feel when someone just simply "understands you."
Your child is asking for the exact same thing. Saying: "I know you're angry
that I didn't give you . . . that you didn't get" or "I'm sorry you couldn't
have . . . I know how disappointed you must feel" is compelling and
powerful. It allows the child to feel validated, and most of all it makes
him or her feel respected by you.
3. Now, saying you understand how your child feels, should not, by no means,
be traded for your child getting what they want, for you giving in to their
demands, or even agreeing that their behavior is appropriate. You need to
separate your child's feelings from their behavior and while validating
their anger, disappointment, or frustration, you can let them know their
behavior is not appropriate. It's important to understand that your child's
anger at you is not your fault. Their anger belongs to them and is a result
of a very real feeling they are feeling. Try not to feel guilty when your
child lets you know (by throwing a major tantrum) that they are angry with
you. Your child being angry is not the end of the world, it's merely a way
of expressing themselves.
4. Since a tantrum acts like a cycle - it has a beginning, a middle, and an
end - you need to treat it that way. It has to go through its complete
cycle. The tantrum belongs to your child, only your child begins the tantrum
as a result of their own feelings, it would only be fair that your child
ends the tantrum on their own. Letting them know this is important. Once
again you validate their feelings: "I'm sorry you have to have that tantrum,
I see how angry and frustrated you are" and let them know it's within their
control: "and when you're done with your tantrum, we might be able to do, to
go, to have." Let your child know, in the most calm way possible (while they
are screaming from the top of their lungs, kicking and throwing themselves
on the floor) that you really are there for them, and you will be there when
they are done. If you need to leave the room because they are too loud, say
it. (Tantrums happening outside of the home are a separate topic.) If you
need to close the door on your child because you are uncomfortable seeing
them that way, let them know that too. Communicating with your child while
he or she is going through the tantrum is extremely important, as long as
you don't give in, feel guilty, or try to end the tantrum for your child by
making promises or threats. This might only anger them more, since they are
sensing your anxiety. Be compassionate, clear, precise. Your child wants you
to stay in control while they are out of control, so they can rely and
depend on you.
5. Once the tantrum is over - and every tantrum is eventually over - sit and
talk about it. You might want to take your child in your arms and softly
speak to them about what has just happened: "You were so angry. I could
tell. You wanted that so badly." Your child wants to be reassured of your
love, even when you two disagree. You can let your child know that you
didn't like seeing them having that kind of a tantrum, that you totally
disapprove of them getting so out of control, but that you understand that
it was what they needed to do. Remember you always want to make them feel
good about themselves and therefore never belittle their emotions. You can
talk about other ways to handle such anger (or other feelings) next time,
come up with suggestions, or let your child come up with ideas. Know that
making up is a wonderful way to feel close again.
We all need to remember that we have our breaking moments, our down times,
our weaknesses. We don't want to be reminded of them all the time, we
certainly don't want to be remembered just for them. Each and every one of
us experiences a tantrum much like our children (even when our tantrums
don't include throwing ourselves on the floor), and we all want to be
forgiven for our mistakes. What you learn to do for your child, you
eventually learn to do for yourself and your loved ones.
Please try not to get intimidated in the face of your child having a
tantrum. Don't panic, or give in to your own anxiety. Instead, keep calm,
remember the points made above, and mostly: that your child needs you, and
is not having a tantrum to hurt you, to get you, or to ruin your day!
Courtesy: Siggie Cohen |
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Siggie Cohen